The Merz b. Schwanen 255 Boxer Brief has become a cult classic in the Withered Fig family – one of those quintessential menswear pieces that sits atop Withered Fig’s proverbial pedestal, next to the likes of their 215 Loopwheeled T-Shirt, aka the “Carmy” or “Jeremy Allen White” t-shirt, and the orSlow Fatigue Pants. While some may scoff at the idea of needing 100% organic cotton resting on one’s “Special Access Regions” (SAR), little did we know that Merz b. Schwanen specially sources their organic cotton from a secret Greek cotton field that was once used to also harvest cotton for the Greek gods – Zeus, Heracles, and the like. If you’ve ever been curious about what it’s like to feel 100% organic cotton against your SARs, read our review below to find out how they feel, wear, and how you can achieve those Thunder Thighs.

These posts are part of our Worn series where we highlight and showcase some of the pieces we proudly carry to show how they wear over time. Not only, so that you have a better idea of what to look forward to as you wear them in, but also to explore in in detail what makes each piece unique.

BOXING AND UNBOXING

Before we even get to the unboxing, one of the things you can appreciate with any Merz b. Schwanen product from Germany is their signature light brown box, made from 100% recycled cardboard. I think they are a nice addition and make for an elevated unboxing experience, but my wife just likes them because they make organizing  her crafts and random trinkets a little easier. Dual-use, for sure.

Once you open up the box, you are treated to a neatly folded pair of briefs – a delicate trifold that is just waiting to be opened up and filled by your body. These are made in a 7.6oz weight fabric, similar in weight to their 215 Loopwheeled T-Shirt. So right off the bat, you already know if you love the t-shirt, then you’ll probably love wearing it on the more intimate parts of your body. But setting aside that bias, these do have that soft, yet dry and sturdy feel that I’ve been accustomed to with my Merz 215 T-Shirt – a sort of heft that you don’t find with your typical polyester-filled underwear.

And who can forget the buttons. I’ve never really had buttons on my underwear, but these mother-of-pearl buttons made me feel like a champ. One of the details that I love about clothing are the buttons – pearl snap buttons, mother-of-pearl rounded buttons, coconut shell buttons, you name it. But, buttons on a pair of your most closely held secrets? And knowing that the majority of people almost certainly don’t have mother-of-pearl buttons on their briefs? It’s not often you can get an easy confidence booster just by throwing on some underwear.

THE WEAR – CONFIDENCE AND FAMILY PLANNING

Slipping on my first pair of Merz b. Schwanen 255 Boxer Briefs in Deep Black (taking size 6|L), I felt like I was getting ready for battle – soft, sturdy, yet hugs me tightly just like how any lover would want to be held. Pulling up my heavy duty underwear, I was imagining Maximum Decimus Meridius getting ready for battle, but not before pulling up a similar set of battle-tested briefs.

In all seriousness though, the real battle waging on is not against emperors and gladiators, but against the microplastics that are waging war against mankind and the future survival of our species. Who knew that polyester and all the plastic-filled underwear that I used to wear was shedding tons (not the literal scientific measurement unit) of microplastics into my body and seeping into my innermost sanctums. With the future lineage in mind, I was sure happy to grab a few of these Merz briefs to ensure the family succession plans stay intact.

But, apparently it’s not out of the question for guys who may be looking to use contraceptives, to just consider going extra on the polyester briefs, and ensuring they are super tight. Au contraire, these are 100% organic cotton, free from synthetics and chemical-finishes, providing a nice environment for your family jewels to live their best life.

SHRINKAGE? IT JUST MAKES EVERYTHING BIGGER

Here’s the thing with 100% organic cotton underwear. It should be snug and tight as you slip in, but as they wear throughout the day, they loosen up nicely. The plus side is, once the pair starts feeling a little loose, you can always just hit the reset button by throwing them in the washer. Doing so will not only tighten up your briefs, but it’ll tighten up your backside real nice. Backstreet’s Back, alright.

So do you need to worry about shrinkage? Not really. They’ll start off snug, stretch out, and shrink back into their original state. However, if you did happen to do the dirty deed of throwing your loopwheeled knits into the machine dry on high heat (not recommended), you might end up with some more shrinkage. But the good news is, it only gets bigger from there. The seamless waistband gently accommodates your every move, and those mother-of-pearl buttons may help in boosting up your bones and providing a calming presence in your heart and mind.

IS IT WORTH IT? $50 IS AN INVESTMENT

Coming in at a hefty $50 price tag, these aren’t cheap. Never mind, let’s be real – these might be the cheapest thing on your body for some of you Iron Heart-wearing, Viberg-stomping footwear fiends. But for the rest of you, let’s just consider it an investment. And no, you aren’t investing in a pair of underwear that you will pass on like a family heirloom – no, that’s just gross. Rather, you are investing in your seed, your children, your legacy, and promises of a better future. With the impending microplastic Armageddon looming, giving your dynamic duo a 100% organic cotton special treatment for close to 24 hours/day is the least you can do (unless you’re going commando) to avoid being plasticized and sent to PFAS hell.

Plus, you can rest assured knowing that your 100% organic cotton pair of boxer briefs was personally handled and quality checked by the finest Germans in the Swabian Alps. A pair of Merz b. Schwanen Boxer Briefs — from his loving and gentle hands, to your body.

SIZE ME UP SCOTTY

Sizing can be a bit tricky, but we hope you have some solid information to work off of here. Size too small, you risk looking like a sausage casing and bursting at the seams – totally ruining your $50 investment. Size too large, and you miss out on the thunder-busting thigh attributes. Size just right, and you’ll be saving your little tadpoles and your confidence will be oozing out of your pants.

In general, if you are on the smaller end of your size, skip leg days, slimmer build, etc. you can likely go with your typical American brand size. However, if you are on the larger end of your size, generally have a larger build, bigger boned, or if squats and deadlifts are a regular part of your routine, then definitely consider sizing up.

Here’s the size chart we have for these Merz b. Schwanen 255 Boxer Briefs. The lower bound waist measurement is taken with the front/back rise even, but no tension on the waistband; the upper bound waist measurement is taken with the front/back rise even, but with a comfortable amount of tension (but by no means pulling it as tightly as possible). Accordingly, the waist measurements will still look pretty small, but with the elastic waistband it will stretch out to accommodate as needed.

For your reference, my actual waist measurement (on body measurement) is 32.25″, at the level where the waistband sits. In the photos here, the Deep Black briefs that I wore are size 6 | L, and the White briefs I wore are size 5 | M. So even though the provided lower and upper bounds may look quite small, the size 2 | M and size 3 | L both stretched out to fit my 32.25″ waist. So you can safely assume an additional 3-4″ of stretch beyond the upper bound (i.e. Size 2 | M upper bound is 28″ — add in 4″ and you get to my size at 32″).

VERDICT – MERZ B. MY UNDERWEAR

The Merz 255 Boxer Briefs are the pair of undies that you didn’t know you needed. But once you slip a pair of these on, and you’re feeling like a million bucks, you’ll know why you traded in a Ulysses S. Grant for a pair. But keep in mind, you need at least seven pairs – assuming laundry once per week – to complete your transition to a fully microplastic-free underwear lineup. The bonus? You’ve got recyclable Merz boxes for organizing your various household items, and your thighs will look like you’ve taken “never skip leg day” to heart. Mmhmm, how good does it feel to be channeling Schwarzenegger’s spirit, screaming “light weight, baby!” every time I pick up a barbell stacked with 5 plates on each side. Oh, and did I mention your libido?

Disclaimer: Any claims regarding confidence-building, libido-busting, family-saving miracles aren’t FDA, CDC, HHS, or any other three-letter agency approved. This review does not reflect the views of Merz b. Schwanen or Withered Fig; it was scribbled in a frenzy by Richard, in an attempt to find some humor for April Fool’s day. Please don’t sue us if you don’t actually turn into a libido factory.

That said, shop our collection of confidence-building, libido-busting, family-saving Merz b. Schwanen Boxer Briefs here. Keep in mind — for the cleanliness of yours and theirs, please note that our sales of underwear are final sale. If you are unsure of sizing, we recommend picking up only one pair first, before grabbing your next six pairs.